by Davis L. Gonzalez

Joe Biden sent me an email asking for $5, as if he were a co-worker of mine who absent-mindedly left his wallet at home. Apparently, there’s an election going on and no less than six states–North Carolina, Iowa, Michigan, Minnesota, Colorado, and Pennsylvania–hang in the balance. According to this email, that’s less than a dollar a state. A bargain like that can’t be real, but in his second paragraph he starts off saying, “Because this is real,” so it must be true. The Vice President coming to me for my help; I don’t know whether to be honored or worried.

Stephanie Cutter also needs $5. She’s with the Obama-Biden campaign and really needs this money to fight the lies and distortions coming out of Tampa. It appears the Republican Party is a bunch of meanies. She makes a strong case, but let’s face it, Tampa is just one city and I’m use to winning half a dozen states at a time.

Angela Guzman is the DCCC Grassroots Director, and her blood is boiling because of the lie after lie after lie that Paul Ryan has been telling. Even I know that if you are going to tell three lies you need to slip in a half-truth. Mrs. Guzman thinks the answer to this problem can be solved if I donate just $3 to her organization, but I have to do it with the next 24 hours. It is grassroots and she’s angry not greedy, so I consider it.

Kelly Ward’s email shows up while I’m still contemplating that grassroots donation. Kelly also needs $3 because the Reuters/Ipsos rolling poll shows Mitt Romney up by two points! $3 for two points! I don’t get paid until next Friday so I make a mental note: if Romney goes up by ten I’ll seriously consider sending her $15, if she doesn’t absolutely need it in the next 24 hours. As the DCCC Political Director, you would think she wouldn’t be so last minute about these things.

I’m stunned to find out the President of the United States Barack Obama, himself, actually wrote me. I didn’t even know he had my email address. He confides in me, saying that Romney had a good night at the RNC, then like the trooper he is Obama tells me he is focused on tomorrow and that he needs $5. Being that he’s the President, I would have thought he’d ask for more. He strikes me as a kind and compassionate family man and I know, had he known my email address sooner, Barack would have heard about the birth of my daughter in our correspondences. Then he definitely would have wanted to send a card, at the very least, so I’ll consider that $5 a wash.

Does anyone know who Paul Begala is? He is probably the only person at DCCC who is not a director of something. He needs $3 to expose the Republican plan to sell out the middle class, and he’s willing to triple match my donation! $3 becomes $12. For those keeping score, that’s 15 states, or 8 Rueters/Ipsos rolling poll points, or Tampa/Jacksonville/Miami assuming there’s a group discount on cities. But alas, he needs it by tonight, so instead I decide not to open anymore DCCC emails for at least a day after I receive them.

Al Franken is a sneaky little man. He doesn’t ask for any amount of money; he just mentions that he’s $6,872 short of his goal, and is willing to entertain the idea of sharing someone else’s secret brownie recipe. There’s no possible way this man is asking me for that much money, so I reason, since he’s not with the Obama camp ($5), and he’s not exactly grassroots/political ($3), he must be asking for $4. Franken is a comedian and can appreciate humor, so I reply by telling him I’m $1,230 and four walls short of my goal of completing my basement. Ball is in his court.

Couldn’t help myself, I opened Brynne Craig’s email. He’s the Field Director for the DCCC and he needs $3. It’s obvious to me that the DCCC could save some money if they were able to reduce their administrative staff.

Democracy isn’t something we should have to buy, and having the right to be heard isn’t something you need put on a payment plan. Getting money out of politics would be the answer to the problem of all of these people and the citizens of this country, yet there is still no resolve to do so. It’s a frustrating cycle and I plan to do something about it, right after I check this email from Michelle Obama.